I’m out of my element on the wayside
I left home with nothing. I went out my door without anticipating the unfathomable wildness of life. I was anxious to become someone else, to finally take hold of identity. To walk out into an open clearing.
But never did I contemplate the ruin of haste. When one’s mind is not ready, prepared… when their heart is so drowned in years of aching and grief… how can it know to slow the pace when fleeing from its’ cage?
That’s how I found my way here. In this arid cracked wilderness. It wasn’t long at all after I’d stepped out my door that my being was once again enveloped by the hiding. If I had to describe the depressing waves that crashed back over me, I would describe it as David did in the Scriptures. The black night reached up from the depths of sheol with cords to sieze me, and I was blinded to their embrace. Ignorance begot apathy and apathy brought my self ruin.
If I could not escape, if this was all life had for me, surely God would shine his light on me as he did with David. Surely he’d hear my prayer. At least my son was not caught up in the ruin, being swallowed by the destruction of my foolish choices. Of the people I trusted, the one who I gave myself to. And the very same one who through her own inherited ruin, found a way to strangle me down beneath a sea of fear
But that was not the case. you see, I was out of my element, in that very same sea I was blindfolded to the capabilities of man. I thought surely God would not stand by again while my son finds himself in this very same place
I thought wrong. Here I am by the wayside, in a foreign land without my God. Alone. Because when I cried out to Him, and I fled from the cage. I found myself back in that very same place. Only this time, the innocent boy was dragged underneath with me. And my God, why did you forsake us?
My God? How long will you let the wicked go unpunished? When will this nightmare end? I’m trying to find my way…not back to that place where I first stepped away from home. not in the place you brought me. But far away. Will you take us? Or will I walk alone in the dark? When the depths of sheol reach up for my son, if you abandon him again I cannot bear it anymore. I will fight and I will cry. I will scream and I will war. But you must hear me. You and your army must come to our aid. Let your light shine on me in this place. Help me lead my son out of this far away element. This strange place.